Thursday, June 29, 2006

Penis Pump Judge gets Convicted

In a story made for Saturday Night Live, Judge Donald Thompson was convicted of indecent exposure today. He was said to have exposed himself on numerous occasions and was even caught with a penis enlarger pump hidden behind his presiding bench. Really…No shit.

(Breitbart.Com) A Creek County jury late Thursday convicted a former judge who was accused of exposing himself by using a sexual device while he presided over court cases.

Jurors recommended one year in prison and a $10,000 fine on each count against the judge, 59, who served more than 20 years on the bench in eastern Oklahoma before his retirement in 2004…

His former court reporter, Lisa Foster, testified that she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times. Foster was one of three court employees who testified they saw him expose himself, but her testimony was the most detailed and covered more incidents than the other witnesses.

And if you think about it, our lives are in these people’s hands. Our lives in one hand and their wankers in the other. What a country!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Clowns Beat Up Nuke Site… Literally

Three members of the peace and environmental group Nuke Watch broke into a missile facility and began to beat on a nuclear missile silo that housed a 300 kiloton nuclear warhead. The three enviro-nuts dressed up as clowns before they broke into the area and started using sledgehammers in an attempt to take the missile program offline.

(Defense Tech.Org) On Tuesday morning, a retired Catholic priest and two veterans put on clown suits, busted into a nuclear missile launch facility, and began beating the silo cover with hammers, in an attempt to take the Minuteman III missile off-line. Seriously.

"The activists painted 'It's a sin to build a nuclear weapon' on the face of the 110-ton hardened silo cover and the peace activists poured their blood on the missile lid."

Don’t you just love how sane and rational peace activists can be? One good thing came of this though…the three clowns were taken down hard and their faces were smashed to the pavement. Too bad the facility doesn’t have a shoot to kill policy. What if these nuts were actual committed terrorists with a better plan than to just beat on the silo with hammers? We can’t take these types of chances…next time shoot ‘em; At least with rubber bullets.

The thought of peace activists getting shot with rubber bullets brings a smile to my face.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Dan Rather, Crack and Taiwanese Hookers

The Intelligence Report, via my producer Missy Mapes, was given old documents indicating that Dan rather smoked crack on the job. According to internal CBS memos, there was an extraordinary effort by CBS staff to prevent the highly experienced news anchor from injuring himself both physically and mentally.

It seems these memos were released in a timed effort to further discredit Mr. Rather. Just today, news broke that
CBS refused to renew his “60 Minutes” contract; effectively booting the aging journalist. And I have it on good authority that someone within the news organization felt it necessary to point out the reasoning behind what seems to be the firing of the marquee name of CBS. This is one of the memos provided to the Intelligence Report by my producer’s anonymous network source.

MEMO: Rather Is Out of Control.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have been through some rough times with the honorable Dan Rather. We have had good days and bad days and even incredibly horrible days. You all know what I’m referring to. The crack addiction of our beloved anchor has gotten out of control.

His insistence on having three Taiwanese hookers present in his dressing room prior to rehearsals has become more trouble than fun at this point. Along with the hooker problem is of course the cocaine problem; which we have all become quite aware of in the past few years.

Despite Dan’s assurances that he is seeking help for his addiction it has become evident that his problem is untenable. We have to do something drastic or we will have to seriously think about the prospect of firing him. It saddens us to have to send this memo out but it is in the best interests of the network that we be prepared.

As you can see, the leaked memo, which I must point out is 100% authentic, shows a different picture from what is being reported nationally. Our source has assured us that Mr. Rather’s crack and hooker problem is real and that CBS acted in their best interests by firing the now former CBS News anchor.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Schumer’s High-Horse Hypocrisy

Chuck Schumer has been really angry the past few weeks over the news that the Department of Homeland Security is cutting funding for both New York and Washington DC. He has attacked the President over the reported cuts and basically said that President Bush was unwelcome in New York. Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y., on Thursday said President Bush “should not come back to New York and stand with us” until his administration comes up with more money to keep New York safe. “This is wrong and unfair, but also outrageous,” Schumer said. “The bottom line is this is abandoning New York.”

And now that a new book has been released that claims Al Qaeda was set to use cyanide gas on New York subway commuters, he has lashed out once again.

(ABC News) A reported plot by al-Qaida terrorists to kill thousands of New Yorkers by spreading cyanide gas in the subway underscores the folly of a Homeland Security Department cutback of funds for major cities, a Democratic lawmaker said Sunday.

"This is just more evidence that what Homeland Security did to us was terribly misguided and just wrong," Sen. Charles Schumer said. "It shows that New York is the prime target, and shows the importance of prior intelligence and of manpower."

However, Chuck Schumer himself voted to cut terrorism funding by $95 million including a significant amount of money that would have gone to his state. Woops! (
News Max)According to Newsday, the Democratic duo [Schumer and Clinton] backed a $95 million cut last December in funding from the Centers for Disease Control for bioterrorism programs around the nation. Of that amount, approximately $3 million would have gone directly to New York City.

Sorry Chucky…gotcha again

Friday, June 09, 2006

Zarqawi Spoke and I Have the Transcript

It’s being reported the terrorist leader, Al-Zarqawi was alive for a brief period of time after his hideout was struck by two 500 pound bombs. Not only did he survive in agony for a short while, it was also said that he mumbled something to the American Special forces.

Luckily, The Intelligence Report was provided an actual transcript of the terrorist’s final words.

Zarqawi: “you know how people say that right before you die your life flashes before your eyes? Well that’s true. I remember when I was 10 years old and my uncle sat me on his lap and asked me to find his keys. I was his number one key finder…I guess because I always knew he left them in his pants. He was a great uncle.

I also remember the time when I took part in a Mexican Donkey show. Man! That donkey sure did love me. I miss him. Oh, I can’t forget the time that my jihadist brothers would draw penises on my head when I slept. Boy did they love me, my brothers…they knew how much I loved the penis.

But what I remember most is how much I loved being sodomized. After a good night of ten guys playing doctor with my ass I would ponder giving up this whole quest for 72 virgins. I loved taking it in the ass."

Well, those were Zarqawi's last words right before he died. This is according to my high-level intelligence sources.

What’s With Liberal Activists?

The left always claims to be tolerant and intellectually superior to Middle America but it’s always Liberals who act like morons. I guess it began with the Oreo incident in which racist-democrats brought Oreo cookies to slander Michael Steele, a black republican (meaning he’s black on the outside; white on the inside). Some people, according to Steele, even lobbed Oreos in his direction. And who can forget college democrats and the pies they attacked Republican speakers with. That was real mature, wasn’t it? Of course after that, New School liberals mocked, heckled and turn their backs on a bonafide American war hero in John McCain. That truly despicable incident was the latest example in liberal hate and dementia…until this:

(Breitbart) Republican U.S. Rep. Marilyn Musgrave's re-election campaign was already heated, and it just got smelly as well: Her staff accused a Democratic activist Thursday of leaving an envelope full of dog feces at Musgrave's Greeley office.

Musgrave spokesman Shaun Kenney said someone stuffed the envelope through the mail slot in the door on May 31 and then sped away in a car. Kenney said most of the preprinted return address was blacked out, but staffers used the nine-digit ZIP code to trace it to Kathleen Ensz, a Weld County Democratic volunteer.

Ensz told The Associated Press she left the envelope at Musgrave's office but said it "wasn't in the office doors, it was in the foyer." Asked what she meant by the act, she declined comment.

A Democratic activist stuffed dog feces through a mail slot at a Republican campaign headquarters…wow. That must be some of that tolerance we hear about from the left; or maybe that was the intellectualism?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

6/6/06 The Mark of The Beast

Today is 6/6/06 so I thought I would tell you a very scary story.

One hot and humid morning a prince awoke from his long and lonely slumber to the cheers of an overwrought crowd. He awoke reenergized after suffering a crushing defeat at the hands of the millennium winner. While he slept he grew an eerie facial mane that had the masses wondering, what on earth can this be, Is it the mark of the beast? All the while the prince’s minions were up in arms; howling at the demoralizing bluster that relinquished them of power.

But now, as the stage is set, the most unclean has risen again. The stars are aligned, the time is right and the world will be forced to witness the devastating demon from on high. He will eat your children for breakfast and watch your television during prime time! He will bring darkness to the world and blood to the rivers of America! He will use clever trickery to influence your position and will fight for the earth in a way that feigns caring. HE IS…AL Gore!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

That Wonderful Culture of Corruption

Pardon me from bringing up the fact that when Democrats were pushing what they called a “real security plan” they were bypassing checkpoints and punching DC cops. When they were outraged over the NSA terrorist-surveillance program the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee used a political operative to steal (without a warrant) the financial records of Lt. Governor Michael Steele. When the Dems were condemning Republican ethics, the head Democrat on the House Ethics Committee stepped down amid corruption charges. And now the Democrats are using the phrase culture of corruption to describe the GOP while their party is being hit with scandal after scandal. Is it Irony or perhaps bad political timing? Maybe both…

(Washington Post) For Jefferson, 59, the money-making schemes were supposed to be all in the family, involving his wife, two brothers, five daughters and two sons-in-law. As a member of the House Ways and Means trade subcommittee, Jefferson has traveled repeatedly to Nigeria and other western African countries and met with their leaders.

Jefferson's secretive business negotiations have already yielded guilty pleas from one business partner, Vernon L. Jackson, and a former top aide, Brett M. Pfeffer. Both have confessed to conspiring to bribe the congressman. Jackson admitted giving Jefferson more than $400,000 in exchange for using his official position to promote high-tech business ventures in Africa.

As I’ve said before, Given that his name is not Tom Delay I expect little to no outrage over this $400,000 bribe that happens to be slightly (and by slightly, I mean a lot) more relevant than “conspiring to inject corporate contributions in a state election”. However, I am starting to agree with what the Democrats are claiming is the culture of corruption in Washington. It's true, Democrats look to be corrupt…so thanks for pointing that out Nancy Pelosi, you were absolutely right.

Mocked DNC Gets Upset

The College Republican National Committee has asked college republicans to mock the hysteria of the liberal establishment over global warming by holding global warming beach parties or passing out snow cones at “global cooling” events. Well, needless to say the uptight DNC got their panties in a bunch and started attacking those Republicans who took part in the fun-filled events.

(Yahoo News) "The College Republicans' beach parties mocking global warming are just another example of the misplaced priorities and short- sightedness of the Republican Party," said College Democrats of America President Grant Woodard. "The College Republicans' ignorance toward the seriousness of global warming and climate change shows a Party more focused on partying than talking seriously about the issues facing young people across America. While College Republicans party on this summer, College Democrats will be knocking on doors, working to get Democrats elected nationwide. With young leadership like this, Republicans should prepare to get burned in the upcoming elections."

Well, cry me a freakin' river Mr. Woodard. And if some Democrap comes knocking at my door working to get some moron like Al Gore or Hillary Clinton elected I will be forced to use my brand new taser designed specifically to down hippies.

And let me get this straight; College Republicans give out snow cones while politely providing an opposing view on the extent to which global warming exists, if at all, while College Liberals boo, yell, turn their backs on, and throw pies at people with whom they disagree…sounds about right.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Greenpeace to Arm Trees

You might have read about the memo Greenpeace sent out in which they gave leeway to their members to decide which “alarmist and armageddonist factoid” to use to attack George Bush. However, The Intelligence Report was given another memo by a high-level source within Greenpeace itself. It gives us some insight on what the environmentalist group has in store for its enemies.

The Real Greenpeace Memo:

MEMO: Dear fellow tree-huggers, our days of hugging trees are now over and in fact they have been over for year, we just forgot to mention it. Hey, what are memos for? Our new objective is to arm trees; not hug them. By arming our fellow trees we can fight fire with…woops, bad analogy. We have the ability to cut down those persons who cause so much harm to our environment and who devastate our forests.

We are currently indoctrinating seedlings; giving them the will power to commit the greatest of acts. We now have convinced thousands of evergreens to strap bombs to their trunks and to kill those bystanders who dare step foot and kill one blade of grass or weed for that matter. Praise be to Ahleaf! For when our might and our beliefs are challenged by the infidels who drive in their Hummers and refuse to recycle, we will have the strength to react. Praise be to Ahleaf! And those tree-martyrs will have the glory they deserve and the 9,762 virgins promised to them by the great Ahleaf.

Thank You,

PS: Death to the infidels! [Or whatever crazed armageddonist threat you can come up with]

While They Talk Iran Builds Nukes

I try to avoid reporting on the complete waste of time that is the supposed diplomacy being used to “convince” Iran to stop its vowed quest to build nuclear weapons. However, since it seems the media and the “world community” wish to continue playing games with the radical regime, I feel it is necessary to point out the obvious truth. But first, we have nearly every news agency reporting on the new agreement reached between six nations that outline some incentives and disincentives for Iran to think about. Keep in mind that it took a year for the six major nations to come together with this type of package. One year to come up with a deal that will be promptly rejected by the radical regime…

VIENNA, June 1 -- The United States and five other major world powers agreed Thursday to offer Iran a broad new collection of rewards if it halts its drive to master nuclear technology, but they threatened "further steps in the Security Council"
if Iran refuses.

The agreement, announced here by British Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett following extended talks, brings general unity to the countries' approach to Iran after months of discord, diplomats said. It is intended to sharpen the choice facing Iran, giving it a clear reason to opt for
cooperation over confrontation on its nuclear program.

Doesn’t this complete and utter ineffective diplomacy make you feel better? It’s almost as if they think writing a letter to Iran will prevent them from acquiring nuclear weapons and begging them will somehow convince Iran to never provide that weaponry to their brothers in Al Qaeda.

Listen, Iran will never stop its nuclear research nor will they ever give up what they claim is their right to nuclear technology. Iran is a regime that sponsors terrorism and has aided in the deaths of hundreds of American service men and women in Iraq. They are currently housing top Al Qaeda officials and have intentions on undermining US Foreign policy in the region. And the threat of nuclear weapons in the hands of terrorists is a very real threat that will undoubtedly materialize if the “world community" has their way. Luckily, President Bush is just exhausting all of the “necessary” diplomacy routes in order to diminish the inevitable condemnation from the anti-American elements within the UN and across the world, when the US is forced to act.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Liberal= Peace and Human Rights?

Chris Matthews, of MSNBC’s Hardball, gave us his take on what it means to be a liberal while asking about Hillary Clinton and the left-wing base. Let me preface by saying that the far-left are some of the most intolerant people in America…obviously. -Video-

MATTHEWS: When I think about the people who are really loyal to Senator Clinton,
they’re all pretty much liberals – and I mean liberals – I don’t mean just on
big spending programs at home, but they really care about peace, and they care
about human rights, and they’re very suspicious of foreign policy intrigue and
overreach. And yet Hillary Clinton is for that. She was for the war with [sic]
Iraq. She still is. How can she build a campaign for president on the backs of
people who don’t agree with her on the central issue of our time?

Oh, Matthews means the peace-loving liberals who care about human rights…First off, being against war does not mean you are for peace; it just means you are content with the genocide and mass torture of innocent people living under dictatorships. Secondly, liberals really don’t care about human rights in general they only care for a select type of human, usually our enemy. You see, I have the right not to be blown up by a suicide bomber. And people have the right to live in freedom; which is truly the elemental human right. However, the only way to provide that freedom is to fight for it.

And this is how Newsbusters, the site that first reported on the Matthews comment, provided a small amount of prospective: "
What’s interesting is Matthews’ notion that being a liberal means ‘caring’ about peace and human rights. Let’s review the record. Who got us into WWII? Why, that would be liberal icon FDR. Korea? Truman. Vietnam? Great Society hero LBJ.

And who struck the greatest blow for peace in the second half of the 20th century by removing the threat of Mutually Assured Destruction? Why, that would be Ronald Reagan. And who has given tens of millions of Afghanis and Iraqis a fighting chance for the ultimate human right – democracy? Hmm. That would be George W. Bush."

H/T ETL and Newsbusters.