The Intelligence Report

Zarqawi: “you know how people say that right before you die your life flashes before your eyes? Well that’s true. I remember when I was 10 years old and my uncle sat me on his lap and asked me to find his keys. I was his number one key finder…I guess because I always knew he left them in his pants. He was a great uncle.

I also remember the time when I took part in a Mexican Donkey show. Man! That donkey sure did love me. I miss him. Oh, I can’t forget the time that my jihadist brothers would draw penises on my head when I slept. Boy did they love me, my brothers…they knew how much I loved the penis.

But what I remember most is how much I loved being sodomized. After a good night of ten guys playing doctor with my ass I would ponder giving up this whole quest for 72 virgins. I loved taking it in the ass."